I was new at a big city library when a patron came in one night with her small son. They were carrying a newly purchased copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. The little boy solemnly put it on the counter, while his mother explained that they were donating it in memory of a stillborn child born to a friend.
I had just gotten a stern lecture about city policy on the undesirability of donated books. Usually they weren't needed in the collection and we should never promise to crowd our shelves with them. I knew that we already had two copies of the classic in our crowded library. I took the big, beautifully illustrated book from the little boy and promised that it would find a place on our shelves.
Sometimes we all need a script when we're trying to make explanations to children for things we don't like ourselves. Books can supply us with the right words.
Photo by Clinton Little at Flickr
I had just gotten a stern lecture about city policy on the undesirability of donated books. Usually they weren't needed in the collection and we should never promise to crowd our shelves with them. I knew that we already had two copies of the classic in our crowded library. I took the big, beautifully illustrated book from the little boy and promised that it would find a place on our shelves.
Sometimes we all need a script when we're trying to make explanations to children for things we don't like ourselves. Books can supply us with the right words.
Photo by Clinton Little at Flickr
On the Loss of a Pet
Coupling simple, repetitive phrasing with a sophisticated vocabulary ("scruffy", "massive") Mem Fox has created a book a two year old could understand and a twelve year old would find amusing. Plus it's about a pirate.
This is a book to read for pleasure, but its message, that even scruffy old pirates cry when they're sad, is one that all children should get to hear. Yes, the parrot dies.
This is a book to read for pleasure, but its message, that even scruffy old pirates cry when they're sad, is one that all children should get to hear. Yes, the parrot dies.
How I Picked These Books
The story about the stuffed velveteen rabbit becoming a “real” rabbit isn’t often found on lists like this, but it’s a wonderful example of how books can find phrases and provide analogies for things we want and need to say when we use them for that purpose. I’ve picked out a variety of books on the losses that children may suffer, but I tried to find books that could be read and enjoyed at any time. A few refer to something like an afterlife, but otherwise they could be used by families of any or no religious beliefs.
Some children are more sensitive to issues than others. My daughter thought Madeline had a sad ending because she had to have her appendix out. Some children may be unready for the subject. That’s why the first book on this list, Lifetimes, is such a good one. It’s not about death. It’s about…lifetimes.
Some children are more sensitive to issues than others. My daughter thought Madeline had a sad ending because she had to have her appendix out. Some children may be unready for the subject. That’s why the first book on this list, Lifetimes, is such a good one. It’s not about death. It’s about…lifetimes.
The Circle of Life
"There is a beginning and an ending for everything that is alive. In between is living."
This is a book which explain with zen-like simplicity what the conditions of life are. It touches about every genus, insects, birds, trees and plants, and people. Some creatures just live a few weeks, like butterflies, some a few years, like rabbits, and some much longer, like large birds, large fish or people. All this is related in quietly rhythmic prose which soothes the reader as the pages turn.
This is a book which explain with zen-like simplicity what the conditions of life are. It touches about every genus, insects, birds, trees and plants, and people. Some creatures just live a few weeks, like butterflies, some a few years, like rabbits, and some much longer, like large birds, large fish or people. All this is related in quietly rhythmic prose which soothes the reader as the pages turn.
Children suffer death on two levels: 1) They don't understand what's going on. For example, what is cancer? Can they catch it? Inform them, even if it means probing a little to see what they do know. Because 2) like you they still have to suffer death as a loss. Don't let them suffer from fears too.
Teach children to respect the grieving process, in themselves and in others.
On the Loss of a Mother
Robert Munsch's Love You Forever is a classic about a little boy growing up. His young mother loves him no matter how annoying he is. (See the cover artwork.) In the end, when she is very old, it is he who repeats the words to her, "I'll love you forever."
There's no actual death shown in the book. I recommend this as a book to read to any child at any time to explain how we are children, we grow up, and the people around us change too.
There's no actual death shown in the book. I recommend this as a book to read to any child at any time to explain how we are children, we grow up, and the people around us change too.
Give grieving children a chance to talk about their sadness, their loss, and their fears. Cry in front of them and share your own sorrows. Use puppets. Or read a book...
On -- Terrorism
I'm sad that we need this book on a list along with books about the death of pets and grandparents, but terrorist acts are shaking the lives of children today.
This book is a bit pedestrian in composition, but it does open up the subject of the mixing of fear with anger and bewilderment, leaving plenty of room for talk. Recommended for ages 4 through 8, it's published by the American Psychological Association.
This book is a bit pedestrian in composition, but it does open up the subject of the mixing of fear with anger and bewilderment, leaving plenty of room for talk. Recommended for ages 4 through 8, it's published by the American Psychological Association.
Help your child recognize that change is a natural part of life. Maybe that's why we love "A Very Hungry Caterpillar."
Get an idea of your child's level of understanding, and then be willing to enter into their feelings and talk about how you've grieved in the past. This is the time to share.
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Just a Wonderful Book I
The word "heaven" is nowhere mentioned in this book. With beautiful illustrations and gentle, lyrical prose, The Next Placereassuringly conveys to us just how sublime our lives will be in the future. It's somewhere between a chant and a song, and the pictures spin open on the pages inviting us into the universe. We will be freed of our bodies and our meannesses and smallness, but we will be embraced by our loved ones in a sea of light.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Just a Wonderful Book II
Mr. Morris Lessmore fills his lifle with books -- flying books. "Then one day he filled the last page in his book. He looked up and said with a bittersweet sigh, 'I guess it's time to move on.'" Fantastically, he flies away -- with flying books, becoming young again. He leaves behind his book, his story, and on the last page, a young girl happens along and begins to read it.
And so we act and our deeds live after us. We move along, but we are remembered. A very, very beautiful book.
And so we act and our deeds live after us. We move along, but we are remembered. A very, very beautiful book.
For More Information...
- Sesame Street Helps with Grieving
- A short handbook and information about how a family can deal with grief and loss.
- Scholastic gives us an excellent analysis of how a child grieves.
- Professional and insightful
- Art Therapy for Grieving Children
- Some very simple projects and tips for helping children deal with their grief through the process of art -- which they love so much anyway.
- National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children
- Describes very clearly how children understand what death is at what ages, how sudden death affects them, and how artwork can help them heal.
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